A pilots welcome message
We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
A Pilots arrival message
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than XXX Airlines
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Air India"
On an Air Seychelles, "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight attendant
said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats
with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
"Welcome aboard British Airways Flight 245 to Hong Kong. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over Your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of
"Thank you for flying Croatia Airways Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
Heard on Kenyan Airlines just after a very hard landing in Nairobi:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
A Kuwaiti airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while The passengers exited, smile, and
give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad
landing, he had a hard time looking The passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a
little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
"Why, no, Madam,"as said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
On a Lufthansa Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning
down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of
your flight attendants."
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."
On landing at Karachi, the PIA stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
Heard on a Qantas Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light' em, you can smoke' em."
Another Qantas flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.
After a real crusher of a landing in Tashkent, the Uzbekistan Airlines
attendant came on the horn, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats
until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft To a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to
Last updated: 09 August, 2005 13:48