Aviation Humour - One Liner's


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  Remember - Only birds and fools fly, and birds don't fly at night...
  "... and if I get into bad weather, then I just do a quick 360 and get out of it..." In the bar, Coventry Flying Club, 1978.
  "If the pilot survives the accident, you'll never find out what really happened." Doug Jeanes.
  "Pilots take no special joy in walking. Pilots like flying." Neil Armstrong.
  Henlow Radio (Brian): "G-JC report field in sight." G-JC (Student): "Will report at the building site." 22/05/2000.
  "Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground, and miss" Douglas Adams, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
  Take off's are optional, landings are mandatory.
  If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, then the houses get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
  Flying Isn't dangerous. Crashing is though.
  It's always better to be down here wishing that you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
  The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
   The propeller is just a big fan used to keep the pilot cool. Just watch him start to sweat when it stops...
  When in doubt, hold onto you altitude. No-one has ever collided with the sky.
  A good landing is one that you can walk away from. A great landing is one after which they can use the aeroplane again.
   Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
  You know that you've landed with the undercarriage up when it takes full power to taxi to the apron.
  The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival.
  Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
  Stay clear of clouds. Some of them are like chocolates - they have hard centers. Also known as Cumulogranitus.
  Try to keep your number of landings equal to the number of your landings.
   There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no-one knows what they are.
  You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
  Helicopter's can't fly - they're so ugly that the Earth repels them.
  If all you can see out of the window is ground and all you can hear is a commotion from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
  In the ongoing battle betweens objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
  It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
  Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
  Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to appeal.
  The three most useless things are: the sky above you, the runway behind you and the empty space in the fuel tanks. (Although there is a train of thought that maintains that empty fuel tanks are jolly useful in keeping the aircraft afloat after you've ditched...)
  If God had meant man to fly, he'd have given him more money.
  There are only two types of aircraft - fighters and targets. Doyle "Wahoo" Nicholson, USMC.
  If God had really intended men to fly, He'd make it easier to get to the airport. George Winters.
  It's a good landing of you can still get the doors open.
  Have you ever wondered why if you stand in the middle of the public  library and scream "Arghhhhhhh", everyone glares at you,. But if you do the same thing on an aeroplane, everyone screams along with you?
  Q: What's a sure sign that you're flying with the wrong airline?
A: The pilot has a heart attack and Air Traffic Control talks a flight
attendant through the take off. Anon.
  If the Lord had wanted people to fly, he would have made it simpler for
people to get to the airport. Milton Berle.
  Flying? I've been to almost as many places as my luggage! Bob Hope.
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot.
Airline captain: "If only I made as much money as people think I make, had as much time off as my neighbors think I have and had as much fun on stopovers as my wife thinks I have".
Sign seen at refueling point: WARNING! Do not operate any radio transmitter within 100 meters of the pumps. If your life is not worth anything.... the fuel is!
Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwinds.
A thunderstorm is nature's way of saying "Up yours!"
Keep looking around, there's always something you missed.
Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.
Any pilot who does not at least privately consider himself the best in the business...is in the wrong business.
It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as a copilot, is a copilot who was once a captain.
A terminal forecast is a horoscope with numbers.
The first thing every pilot does after making a gear up landing is to put the gear handle DOWN.
Stewardesses do it in the air.
Airline pilots do it straight and level.
Reconnaissance pilots just look at it.
Stewardesses do it all over the world.
Fighter pilots do it better.
Bomber pilots do it with a big bang.
It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
Driving is for sissies who canít fly.


Last updated: 19 August, 2004 13:00