Ansett Australia - In Flight Safety

Ansett Australia flight staff occasionally make an effort to ensure the "In-flight safety lecture" is a lot more than just "entertaining." Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported on Ansett Australia -

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft ..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; If you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew who will escort you to the wing of the aircraft."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Ansett Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

Ansett Pilot, after landing: "Thank you for flying with Ansett Australia. We hope you enjoyed giving us the money as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers began to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The "Head Purser" announced on the intercom, "This Ansett aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passenger leaving their seat before the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

The plane landed and was coming to a stop at Alice Springs, when a shout came over the loudspeakers: "Whoa, BIG fella ...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children . Or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do NOT leave children or spouses!" The purser then continued, "Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from an Ansett Captain during his welcome message: "You'll be pleased to know we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this aircraft!"

An Ansett Captain reported that, on a particular flight, he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. Ansett had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying Ansett." He said that, in light of the terrible landing, he had a difficult time looking passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had departed, except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," replied the first officer, "What is it?" The little old lady commented, "Did we land. Or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an Ansett flight into Melbourne, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, a female Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Melbourne. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our aircraft to the gate."

Ansett flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated whilst 'Captain Kangaroo' bounces us towards a terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Brisbane, an Ansett flight attendant announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as HELL everything has shifted."

From a Ansett flight attendant ... "Welcome aboard Ansett Flight 888 outbound from Hong Kong and inbound to Sydney, AUSTRALIA. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, we now suggest you think VERY seriously and rapidly decide which one you love most."

"Weather at Hong Kong is 27 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive ."

"Thank you for flying with us and remember Nobody loves you, or your money, more than Ansett Australia."

Last updated: 16 February, 2003 20:03